Lukashenko Promises Mercedes-Level Cars in Three Years. Or Even Better

It seems that Belarusian dictator Alexander Lukashenko had an exceptionally exhausting week — perhaps the collective weight of governing a land where potatoes outrank human rights finally took its toll. And so, when the undisputed king of bear-wranglers and supreme commander of tractor drivers sat down at the end of the week to give yet another interview to a Russian state TV channel, things took a spectacular turn for the surreal.

In what can only be described as either deadpan satire or weaponized delusion, Lukashenko boldly declared that the automotive industries of Russia and Belarus will reach the level of Mercedes-Benz within the next three to four years. Yes, that Mercedes-Benz — the one that spends billions on R&D, tests bolts in wind tunnels, and fine-tunes suspension systems with the kind of obsession normally reserved for Swiss watchmakers and mad scientists.

But not to worry! According to Lukashenko, all you really need is a pinch of enthusiasm, a soldering iron, a microchip from AliExpress, and voilà — you've got yourself an S-Class. Albeit one with a reinforced roof rack for hauling sacks of potatoes and the dear leader’s face lovingly airbrushed on the doors.

“We have the necessary raw materials and technology,” proclaimed the agroführer, while somewhere in a dimly lit MAZ factory, a worker was attempting to start a diesel engine with a sledgehammer and a prayer. And let us not forget the sacred buzzword of the decade: technological sovereignty. Whatever that actually means. Probably that no sane country will sell them semiconductors anymore, so they’re now reverse-engineering them from old VHS players and electric kettles.

But fear not — Lukashenko assures us that Russian and Belarusian engineers are more than capable of producing “competitive” vehicles. Competing with what, exactly, was left unclear. Horse-drawn wagons? Lawn tractors? Or perhaps it’s just a race to see whose paintjob peels last in the rain.

But hey, one must dream! In Lukashenko’s world, anything is possible: potatoes plant themselves, tractors fly to Mars, and a MAZ rides like a Mercedes. At least until the first corner, when the steering wheel falls off and the dashboard begins to smoke like a barbecue on Independence Day.

If this weren’t so tragic, it would be hilarious. And if it weren’t hilarious, it might qualify as a fine piece of absurdist theatre. But alas — it’s just Lukashenko, microphone in hand, gaze unwavering, promising us a future where the next G-Class coupé emerges not from Stuttgart, but from a factory in Minsk. Only this one has an engine from an old Lada and a Chinese smartphone glued to the dashboard with spit.

So watch out, Mercedes-Benz. The competition is coming. In a tractor.