French Conspiracy: How Renault Kept Lada from Steering Toward Revolution

Russia’s automotive pride, AvtoVAZ, is once again under scrutiny, with plummeting sales and national angst fueling the search for culprits. Enter the company’s press chief, ready with an explanation for why modern Ladas still behave like they need a lunar alignment and a sacrifice of three cigarettes to start. The answer? It’s all Renault’s fault.

According to the official narrative, those sly baguette-munching Gauls had AvtoVAZ in a stranglehold. The Russians, we’re told, were on the verge of creating hydrogen-powered, self-driving, spacefaring Ladas—but the French said “Non, non!” and handed over a Dacia manual instead.

Technological progress? Not on Renault’s watch. Allegedly, French overlords feared that a fully evolved Lada might eclipse their own offerings, so they ensured the cars remained void of power windows and climate control—lest a Sandero break down in tears. This wasn’t underdevelopment, it was strategic sabotage.

And global exports? Lada was apparently poised to take the world by storm—until Renault stepped in. “Sorry, lads, Lada doesn’t go to Belgium,” they said. Rumor has it some nations even banned Ladas outright, worried that consumers might discover what a “real” car looks like and turn their backs on Renault.

But now the colonizers are gone, evaporated like the last pain au chocolat at a farewell brunch. Lada is free at last. Enter the Iskra: proudly powered by 400 new domestically sourced components. Full localization! It’s practically a Tesla—if you squint and keep your eyes closed.

And exports are back! Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, even Cuba. 20,000 units sold, with a goal of 30,000. The world better brace itself—AvtoVAZ is back, and this time it’s ruthless.

So no, the problem was never the engineering, quality, or executive vision. The issue was French interference. The Russians just had to wait until the last Renault consultant left, leaving behind the CMF-B platform—and now, with 400 new bolts and widgets, it’s all theirs. And that changes everything.